my patient's card upon admittance last fortnight
My bags have never been unpacked since the day I returned home with my surgery postponed. And I've continued being sickly. Oh, please don't think that my daily ramblings are proofs of my recovery. They're written to distract me from my present health problems. Alhamdulillah for His grace and mercy that I could still write and share when my 'life source' continued to ooze out between my legs. In my case, modern medicine can only reduce the volume but can't totally stop it. Only those who suffer from darah istihadah will know exactly what I mean. My fibroids have come to a stage that the only logical choice is surgery to remove them. Although I don't enjoy the feeling of warm wetness nowadays, I've learnt to accept it just as I've accepted having to swallow several types of medicine three times a day. It's like accepting the fact that you need to shower, brush your teeth and eat your meals. Just do it, it's for your own good. Don't trouble yourself asking too many questions.
I've been paying daily visits to the government clinic to check my blood pressure. Alhamdulillah, the readings have been ok. And during this short stint, I got to know the nurses and the medical assistant at the clinic who'd take my readings. Chatted with the nurses who told me that their sisters/ friends had also faced the same problem I'm facing now. It's really interesting how many people you'd get to know by being friendly and talkative, hehehe.
So, I can't wait for this fibroid to be taken out. I can't wait for the days I won't have to put on two sanitary pads every few hours unless during my menstruation. Yet I am human. I do worry about this coming surgery, categorised as a major surgery. I cringe at the thought of having a needle poke at the back to make me unconscious during the surgery. I worry that they'd have to remove more than what they initially plan. I also worry that they'd find something more malign that two fibroids.
"It's only a surgery. Thousands of people have done it and survive," my mother-in-law had said in her own way of comforting me.
Yes, thousands have done it. But I suppose before they had actually recovered, they had all felt the same way I'm feeling now. The apprehension. The sense of helplessness. The feeling of uncertainty.
Dealing with all these feelings is not easy. I've turned to Allah swt, the only One who is All Knowing and All Powerful. He's the only One who can help. I don't consider myself a very religious alim person and I still don't. But I trust Him to help me deal with this test as He has always help me with others. I know that He would never give me something that's bad for me. Everything is good. Behind every challenge and setback, there's goodness for me. I just have to learn to see the goodness beneath the challenges and improve myself.
Oh, sure. My emotions have been like a yoyo since the first postponement of surgery (6 October, the surgeon's unavailable). The second postponement was due to a suspected high blood pressure (3 November). I've learnt which selawat and wirid help to sooth my nerves. I've learnt that it's advisable to perform solat in a sitting position on certain 'heavy days' to prevent dizziness and breathlessness (ouww, ouuww).
Waiting, they say, is a torture. Learning to be patient, however, is a part of growth. Learning to think well of His qadak and qadar, is growth.
I'm blessed for I'm given the opportunity to learn from setbacks and challenges. I'm truly blessed for I have a loving and understanding husband who has calmly taken over the roles of motivator and counselor, despite his own busy schedules. I'm blessed for having friends, some whom I've only known online, who are supporting me and praying for my recovery. I'm also blessed for having a mother and brother who has accepted their Muslim tudung-clad daughter/sister and are supporting me through this sickness. In my sickness and difficulties, I'm blessed for having an understanding boss and cooperative colleagues who do their best to lessen my burden and worries. What more can I ask for? I ask for rezeki and He has showered me with the best!
Oh, I won't be able to write until the surgery's over and until I recuperate at my in-laws'. Hopefully by next weekend I'll be able to post my latest news. Wish I could take along my laptop and modem to the ward (hahaha, I guarantee my BP will be perfect if I could only surf) but I guess having my Nokia 3G will be sufficient to keep me updated with the latest emails and readers' comments :)
Please forgive me if during the course of my writings, I have unintentionally cause hurt or anger among you readers (Sorry, I'm lousy at uttering these mohon maaf phrases). I pray that I'd be able to see you all again soon after my surgery (Oh please God, allow me to undergo the surgery as scheduled and safely this time around. Don't think I can walk back home with another postponement)
And if He wills it that I'm to leave this world, I am ready for Him. Of course, I hope He will be merciful and allow me more time to be with you and to create more 'noises' here on earth, hehehe. However, if my time's up, I'd just like to say that it's been a great pleasure to know you all through this blog. It's amazing how a blog which had initially started as a logbook of my journey to Islam (for my husband) has evolved into what it is today.Alhamdulillah for His blessings and guidance.
Till we meet again, may He bless you all and keep you strong in iman, insyaAllah.