I'm alone at home now, with both my swollen feet up on the pillows and a laptop on my bed.
This is not the best of times, but it's not the worst of times either. I've gone through worse, far worse. However, during those bad times, I was alone and unafraid, because whatever happened then, it would only involve me. Now I'm heavily pregnant; it's no longer just about me, and that fact is not helping to ease the stress experienced.
Being pregnant with first child in late thirties with pregnancy-induced hypertension is not easy. I'm just thankful that it's just hypertension, and not diabetes as well, as some older mothers experience. Anyway, my health has not been very good these days, with daily visits to the clinic to check on blood pressure. Perhaps it's just the current hot weather but the nurses were concerned and I had to take second readings almost daily, causing me to be late for work and receiving scowls from my colleagues. The poor readings could also be due to the imsomnia I've been experiencing too, as the little one seems to enjoy his late night exercises. After a sudden higher reading and considering my medical records, I've been prescribed with a higher dose of medication to keep the blood pressure down. Also 9 weeks to go before due date, the doctors have warned that due to my present condition, I could deliver the baby prematurely. That's certainly not good news.
Being alone at home to cope with stomach cramps, braxton-hicks and leg cramps when husband is working out of town is not something any pregnant woman want. I've learnt to manage alone but it's not something I like. It's scary especially when the pain starts in the wee hours of the morning and I'd be stuck on the bed, unable to get up. Only those who have had experienced them would know and understand.
Despite asking around, I still can't get a companion to be with me during my berpantang weeks. Only Allah swt knows who the mystery helper will be, or that I'd be getting any help at all. Frankly speaking, I don't know much about taking care of a newborn, as I have little experience looking after babies. And knowing that baby's arriving soon is frightening :P
I've been accused of many things since being pregnant with this child and being instructed to undergo regular medical checkups, more frequent than an average pregnant lady. 'Mengada-ngada', ' pandai berlakon' , 'menyusahkan orang' etc. Only Allah swt knows the truth and I thank all my accusers for giving me so many 'free gifts'. I don't welcome the extra stress but I know that I can still cope with the patience and strength Allah provides. All these have just made me stronger, and I know that the child I'm carrying will be just as strong, insyaAllah. It's just a test, just like any other tests. Perhaps it's tougher than what some experience but one thing for sure, the reward is greater too.
Life is like a ferris wheel; one moment you're on top and at another time, you're at the bottom. I won't say that I'm right at the bottom now, but wherever it is, I know for a sure fact that I'd soon be heading up again. People have said that I'm not feminine like the Malay ladies, and a tough nut to crack. Perhaps so, but then if I'm not, perhaps I'd not be able to survive all the trials and challenges in life that Allah swt had tested on me.
Sorry for the long ramblings, but being pregnant and alone at home can make one very moody. And I don't want to entertain the little thoughts playing in my head, which are not all God-sent :P