"Oh no! I don't want to meet him," I stared at the sms and sighed.
I had gone down to Perak to check on my still-unsold house and to meet a good friend whom I've not met for a year. I had planned it for this weekend in the hope that he wouldn't be around as the coming weekend will be the Chinese new Year eve, and according to tradition, he'd be home then. I didn't think that he'd be back this weekend.
But he was. And he replied the sms I sent, informing that he's in the house that very moment. So I braced myself for another tough meeting.
Ever have the feeling that you want to be elsewhere?
Ever have the feeling that you want to avoid meeting somebody for reasons you know best?
Ever believe that it's best to avoid meeting somebody to prevent an ugly scene?
Well, I have.
And he's my former husband.
Part of me resented him (for the things he did and the things he didn't do) and part of me wished I no longer have to see him ( so that I won't be reminded).
But I told myself that this can't go on forever. As long as we continue to share something between us, we will have to meet one day, whether we like it or not. And the longer I resist, the harder it'd be to finally meet and talk on civil terms. Life is too short to continue to be resentful. Life is too precious to keep skirting around important issues and avoiding certain people. The more we resist, the higher the chances that we'll have to encounter the same people or problem we try to avoid. And the more we resist, the harder it will be when the actual encounter takes place. The universe has a queer way of showing us our mistakes.
So, as I stepped out of the car, I sort of hoped that he's gone. I was wrong He was in the house, so I had to face him. Thankfully, I managed to pull myself together and look at him in the eyes. And the figure that greeted me actually shocked me. He looked very different, as if he's aged 10 years. He even looked rather ill, gaunt even, and for the first time in years, I actually felt sorry for him. Sorry for another human being who looks many many years older than his present age. I don't know what had caused him to look so sickly now because the last time we met, he still looked fine. Oh, the love is gone ( as a woman to a man). Just sympathy as a person would be for a sick neighbour.
That's when I realised that I'm freed of my anger, my hurt, my resentment and any other ill-feelings I have for him. I've forgiven him, period. Really, it's only when we face our problem head-on, that we learn exactly how much we've healed or whether we are still suffering from it. Alhamdulillah I know how I am now. And he was able to talk to me calmly too, and for that, I was glad. He's healed too and we're finally moving on in separate directions.
Yes, I also met his new wife. She greeted me and I greeted her back. We're both women with dreams of having a happy family, and I wish her luck. My time with him is over and hers has just begun. They're back to pack his things and I was there to check on mine. And as much as I tried to prevent it, we bumped into each other.
This encounter is a chance encounter, arranged by Him who knows best. He's chosen the best time and the best place for us to meet after so many months of total silence. I don't remember ever praying for a complete healing of my heart against my former husband, but alhamdulillah I know that I'm fine now.
And as I walked away from the house which has left me with some good and bad memories, I know that Allah swt has other plans for me. That chapter of my past life will be closed once that house finds itself a buyer. And I hope, I really hope, it'd be soon.